transitions.

Monday, February 28, 2005

16
stop asking. thats my score.
english - B4
chinese - A2
history - B4
combined humanities - A2
combined science - A1
e-mathematics - B3

its up to you to think whether im bragging or not. besides theres nth to brag about, infact it the scores look pretty dumb to me.

yepps. the most favourite hot topic among students now, is none other then the O'leve results. i am sure everyone is like freaking out when they saw their result. cried badly, or were overjoyed with tears in their eyes. wah enough of these stupid lines and crap. i got a damn b4 for english damn it. haha. disappointing i say, though i thought my english level wasn't that low or something. but i guess i just screwed it more or less. i dunno how to put it either, u cant say i screw it cause i din't really screw it up, neither can i say i did well. i dunno what to say either. perhaps i would like to say my favourite line, fuck everything. i don't know why am i feeling that way either. my friends here did pretty well. 7points (dunman high), 9points(victorian). even my roommate got 15 points, tell me how am i suppose not to be disappointed? i mean last time i would think that 16 was great. but now i feel like some stupid idiot with some dumb points.

but first i would like to thank god. thank you guys for praying for me.

i am at halim's house now. i will be stayin here for around 2 weeks. he is asleep now, i guess im the only one awake. i cant really sleep. too much things to say, too much things to tell, but not a single listening ear that i can tell to. its not that i dn try to trust them, but its just that im brought up that way. it seems that no one here can understand me or be trustworthy of that i can tell my problems to.

by the way, when you are reading this line, its 6.20 am, and this line was typed after i stared blankly into the screen. i have school later at noon and i can't sleep.
remember i said that i have many things to say and tell, not anymore. today its suppose to be a happy occasion/day. so i shall try to be happy for today. think i will blog maybe later or smth when i feel happier or smth. meanwhile i shall go rest and dream about something. i don't know why i feel sad nowadays.

I can see you're sad, even when you smile, even when you laugh I can see it in your eyes, deep inside you want to cry

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

ok, halim found out that i had the house. as expected he asked me give it to mei, and said that it should be hers because she was searching for a room first. but he carried on and said, never mind ah you can have it. ....zzzzz. anyhow i still got the house, will be moving in on the 14th. i shall not move in on the 13th, since its not a very lucky number. halim's girlfriend is imei, i-MEI. and her lucky number is also 13, im like what the hell. but imei is better, much much better then mei.

for this few hours, i have been doing my bloody homework, wait, it isn't even homework. i was revising the fuckin math, cause i am having a math quiz on this coming thursday. tomorrow i will be reaching home late , like 7pm. fucked. i feel fucked up especially during such occasion. i don't know why. im scared of math, espcially those stupid math question with words like tangent. i hate this dumb word, tangent. can't help to think that those question are hard and always screw me upside down. i don't want to end up dying because of math. its not that i hate math, but its just that its a little hard to learn sometime. one chapter in one hour's time. haii, if i screw this quiz of mine, im pretty dead. so i can't afford to screw it i guess. haii, i pray to you god. don't screw my math. i know im weak in this subject, im already paying more attention to it. haiii.
wished i was born smart with math. i used to think people who cannot solve simple math question were stupid, but now i feel stupid. haii. tomorrow im gonna be back by 8 and i will have around 3 hours to study math. 3 chapters, [ product rule, quotient rule, chain rule , power rule and higher order of deriative. ] yes to the amath students out there, you might think that america education system sucks, college level still teaching your secondary syallabus. but hey, take a look at my damn text book first damn it. its not easy to comprehend and understand what the fuck they are talking about. dydx ddx dddddddarwin, oh dear. wake up! this is only the begining.

but i realised so fast, comming 3 months. its so fast, i still can remember the feeling of homesick when i was here for the first time. unpacking the luggage, i constantly got reminded of mum, how she packed my stuff and put all my essential that i thought it wouldn't be needed of here. all i know was my laptop and my mp3 player. how useless am i. i wonder if im into depression or smth, as im typing now i cant even type. i dn even want to smile. i have like books all over the table, there are so many things to read. its like poly life yet it isn't poly life. i never seen anyone complaining about poly life. and i should be not so stressed up here, but how come i am still so stressed up. people are relaxing, yet i have problem handling my stuff, just how pathetic am i. according to my psychology book, at this rate of pessimistic views i have, it will lead to frustration and den i will just fail and die. [ i added the die myself ]. ah fuck that book. psychologist is one of the most stupid shit in this world, bullshitting. oh well. i shall go read up and sleep. its 2 am now. haii..

give me willpower. now.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

i think when you sleep enough, you will feel lucky? haha. thats how i think. oh well, i got 5/5 despite the fact that i got some error for my html. thats pretty lucky of me i guess, that was really pleasant i guess. afterwards, i went for math class. but the math class teacher din't come. i went for the class anyway, i don't feel like skipping any class, everytime i tell myself, relax. it is just only 1 hour, 1 hour only? singapore everyday face those idiotic teacher and listen to them moan and groan for 7 hours a day. the math here not very easy ah, stupid andre. say american math stupid, wrong wrong. the math is not easy, but the people here is stupid. haha thats the difference! oh well. during the math class, someone called me! guess who's that.

ANDREW

so what is the bigdeal about andrew? haha. i don;t even know him. anyhow, he was the manager for northridge apartments. he found this person who wants to get out of the 1 bedroom apartment, so its like, the person will let me lease the room. =D its for $899! thats quite low price, considering the normal rental price is $1075 now. my friend rented it for $945, thats low but mine is lower :D it is such a pleasant surprise isn't it. i think everyday i will sleep early, like around 12 or something.

i slept at 1am yesterday, and i woke up at 7am. i slept again, woke up again. slept again and woke up again. manage to push myself to sleep for extra 2 1/2 hours. went to school and it was sorching hot today. there wasn't any cloud at all. i just hope that i can move in the room smoothly, as i mentioned, halim hopes that i can let my room out to his girlfriend if i have found one. i hope this won't like cause any problem cause i am not going to let the room out. so yeaps, i hope that things will go well. i decided i shall not buy a mp3, shall buy in singapore instead. haha or maybe not. i shall see how it goes, i shall ask ewen help me buy some things. EWEN PLEASE HELP ME BUY! help me buy creative speakers, i trigue i think during the creative sales. yepps, thats if you are in the mood for that. haha. O's results is comming out really really soon, this friday. eeks! ok i shall go for dinner now.

i will update the pictures too!

and it feels weird now, especially when i am in america. i was looking at the ceiling now, and i was thinking, hey i am looking at the ceiling in america made in america. ah fuck i know it sounds stupid. but yeah. haha.

Monday, February 21, 2005

i watched constantine the night before, the show was pretty confusing especially for people like me that never touch the bible before. the show was pretty interesting, talking about heaven and hell. and hell was like wahh, i don't want to go there. ( eh go be christian if you don't want to go to hell ). thats what most christian/catholic would say! ha. maybe not, yeah. today is holiday,which means i don't have to go to school. so i end up stayin at my friend's house for 2 nights. wah, thats like a waste of time. i always think sleeping over is a troublesome thing to do. besides im moving out this friday, so i will be moving into my roommate house for like 1-2 weeks. i just don't like staying at people's house. i just feel more comfortable when i have my own space, in the sense , at least i paid for the room. yepps. i hope to get a new room soon, hopefully a second floor, but my friend asked me to give the room to her girlfriend if i have the room. wah, you sure know how to arrange stuff. like that its a disadvantage to me ah! but nevermind. most probably i will be staying in the first floor room. don't have much of a choice i guess. but it's better then nothing, at least going to school takes only 10 mins. haha, thats like the best part of it. though staying alone is expensive, but i guesss its alright since mum is going to come over to stay with me. a it would cost $70x30 days = $2100 for 1 month in the hotel here, might as well stay with me. better still! haha.

wah im dead tired, slept real late, i mean early yesterday. halfdead! at 9, i shall study my math again. and i am doing those computer things for my friends, hey are they computer idiots or what. don't know why , i feel unbalanced. people use me, i haven't use them enough. that kind of feeling. studying psychology makes me feel like idiots. especially when you see all the damn symptons happening on you, wah. feels like as if im sick or what.or maybe i am sick, just that i am unconscientious of it? heh. my life here more or less stabilized, perhaps the only thing to worry here is studies. since now and then, i have been imaginging things, day dreaming ( just like what the psychobook said. ), and most prolly i will fail. wah, shit curse that damn book. haha. ayes, i just hope things will work out that way. if i ever was in the dragonball fantasy, i want to be the most powerful man in the universe, just below god. haha! wahh, wouldn't that be great! wees. you wished dragonball exist, then everyone would be hunting for the balls already!

i hope i can faster move into my new home. yepps. i still dont know which mp3 to buy. zenmicro? muvomicro(512),samsung mp3 (512). the samsung512 and the micro is about the same, just the samsung is bigger and it has a longer battery life. yepps. ahhh im so pissed off i just want to get it. so i will stop thinking. yeppps. i shall go do my work, go hear mockingbird by eminem. its nice!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

yeah i guess i am bloggin relatively lot, i guess i have too much things to say and too little people to confide in here. today was math test. it wasn't hard, yeah but i doubt i will do well in it. thats why im quite sad about it. i don't know why it seems to me i have this phobia of math or something. i don't even dare to try recalling the test, all i see is complicated numbers. whenever i see such numbers, i get nervous for some reasons i dont know why. after the test there was this rain. i was wondering if it rains for a reason or something? i just want to get an A, i dont know why but i feel pretty pressurized. i don't know what to say or do. my life is in a mess, i wished i was born smarter. i wished i was born this and that, but i know all this cant happen.

should have study hard in singapore while i was in maris stella high school. then it won't affect me now. i will have to work twice, thrice just to get an average standard. thats so exhausting. and the feeling of looking at your results and knowing that it will suck is even worse. i don't know what else to say. maybe i should start believing in god and have someone to tell problems too. perhaps.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

i just had my math test. i doubt its a good one. i feel pretty shitted nowadays. after the test, it was raining, i felt even more depress after the test with the rain. i just want to sleep my way out, just like how ewen does it. psychology says, it is an action of a pessimist, to run away from problem. geesh. fuckshit, i hate this life of mine at times.

Monday, February 14, 2005

happy valentine day! yeah. with all this test and quizzes to cope with, how anti-climax. i woke up early today, infact it didn't make sense at all. i slept at 3 plus, near 4 when my eyes were close. woke up at 8 plus, and then i slept again, den i woke up at nine, then i slpt again, then i slpt again i woke up at nine 45, and then i slept again , 10 finally. i had 3 cup noodles for my full meal yesterday, which means breakfast, lunch and dinner. and now im having gastric pain. eews.

don't seem able to sleep well, and something is always bothering me. i don't know what it is. i even had time to blog here, doesn't make any sense to me. i always wake up just nice enough to go school. and then i will reach school 5 min late. today i just woke up exceptionally early, i wished it was that way everyday. i put a cross near my nick, that cross sure looks like your god. shona said, hopefully one day he will be become mine. i hope so too. i am a superstitious man, haha so i put a cross there, hopefully god will look after me. since he knows what right, i shall see what path he gonna show me. alright, i shall go school now. today is going to be another tiring day.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

the days of uniforms , white based school shoes and hiding of handphones are over. suprisingly, i can go to school with a gun. you wished i had a gun, if i had one, perhaps i will kill myself or something. i can feel that im breaking down, the desire of the week to be over is so strong, i feel like sleeping my way out. perhaps JC life is more stressful? what is stress? stress is a special stimulus-response transaction in which one feels threatened. its from the psychology book that im reading, rather studying. i just told my host parents that i will be moving out at the end of this month. to this smaller masterbedroom in northridge. northridge is like a condominium ( the singapore way ) with lots of indonesian staying there. around 80% of the indonesians stay there. i will be moving in this month i hope if everything goes well.

but things arent going welll now i guess. my phobia of math, is constantly draining my energy away, bit by bit, second by second. perhaps its not very hard to the people who took amath in singapore. but to me its a one whole chunk of shit to digest. i don't understand , and i am afraid of not doing well. every indonesians are good in math, yes i mean they are really good. indonesians are good in math, because in indonesia, their math is so cheem, everything here to them is easy. not only that, perhaps it runs in their blood? but why doesn't it run in me. i need more willpower to win the battle. i feel sick, tired. everyone is getting an A in math. i wanna get that score too, i must and i will have to. by hook or by crook. math is the only thing that is blocking me, and thanks maris stella. i somehow feel that that stupid school of mine have ruin my life.

O's results are comming out, this concept of getting O's results good enough to get in jc is in my mind. im actually thinking of backing out, going back to singapore to study junior college. don't be surprised, but i doubt i will do so. i dont know if i should, but you get what i mean. life here isn't simple i guess, living alone more or less is difficult. even with friends, you know they aren't the close friends you used to have. perhaps it take time to adjust? how long more anyway, i dont have so much time. my future is dependable on me, no one else to blame. so it is more of a do or die thing.

geesh. im not a catholic nor a christian, but this does not mean i don't trust god. not that i don't trust god, but sometime i just doubt him. thats the problem with me, thats why i never go to church. i want to ask him for help, yeah god help me. please please please. though im not a christian nor a catholic, but understand that it takes time to understand something. your fellow believer who spread ure religion are spreading nonesense. thats what i think. i should go get find a pastor/father/or brother or something. yeah.

"pressure to conform, pressure to perform , which one ? "

messy life of mine. i don't believe i can't make it right or i have to get over with it. i will fucking fix this life of mine.

next week, will be a hectic week. with nonesensical results and poor time management, i feel like dying, evaporating into the sky. YEAH you wished. no no, I WISHED. fat hopes. i have like os many quizzes and tests and exams next week, i feel so tired plus the dissappointment that i get from the tests, haii. you can imagine, watching ure dreams getting wrecked right infront of you.

so what do i do? i shall study. that is the only way to solve the problem. doesnt guarantee that the problem will be totally solved but oh well, gotta give it a try. sometime i really wonder what am i doing, or should i get a religion , so that errr god will show me the path? is there such thing anyway. must i be a christian or catholic to believe in god? it doesnt make sense. i don't see things christian or catholic do, perhaps same god and different views? bleahs. this week is just as tiring as the previous, not much of a difference i guess. i can feel that my life is screwed and i feel weak that kinda things. last time i feel so energetic, but now, i feel like a piece of paper getting blown away by the wind. since im fatter i should be more stable or smth, but that doesnt seems to be the case for me.

everyone , i guess is panickin about the O;s result. i am not one bit excited about it, i don't know why either. i feel like, hey fuck? whats it all about. maybe i changed or something, i don't get it. last time i used to see things in a more accurate manner, in the sense i look more into it or perhaps i think more about the person. but now, i just see the superficial side of the person and determine what he or she is. wahh fuck, my EQ got lowered hurr. doesnt make any sense at all.

i use to think that peer pressure is pretty much of a nonsense, untill i came here, more or less i seen how powerful it is. especially when you are alone and no one exert control on you. then you will be really under peerpressure. more or less, you cant avoid it. last week, i dont even know what the hell i was doing. i asked for htis and that, untill i realised, i was under peerpressure. i don't even realised i was under it perhaps, like what the chinese said " zou huo ru mou ". wahh. cannot make it man, if this goes on i will be dead. i need to wake up. wake up from dreams, wake up from reality too. and walk to where? half half. dream abit but stick to reality. a man cannot never live without its dream. so i shall be the second michael dell next time. hey, next time is a few years time, not next life. i will prolly kill myself if i don't strike rich or something.

surf the internet just now, saw friendster of people with attrocious and ridiculous profile ( i know mine is too ). but yeah, but i kinda get disgusted when i see it. i don't know why. maybe its just the way i was brought up and the enviroment i had during my secondary school years. forget it i don't want to talk about them. ( friendster ). waste of my time, talk about something that dont even revolve around my life. doesn't make sense at all.

i think im moving out next month to a new place. its better i guess, at least to sleep there. hai, fuck. i got so much things not done im gonna die tomorrow. the load of work is a lot. even copying homework is so problematic. hectic. life is a mess, someone please save me.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

now i know why i had such a bad day last thursday ( the day my math teacher was so xialan. ) its the FEB 3rd. ohh so it has been one year. can't believe it. one year ago i was in the maris stella school uniform. now im wearin no uniform. hahaha, thats the problem. without uniform you dont know what to wear, because i got nothing to wear! next time when i go back indonesia im gonna buy like one carton of clothes? yeahhh

its time to grow up darwin. really, sometime i always talk about being practical and realistic. im the one that is not following what i said, how pathetic am i. so yeah, back to the singapore darwin i guess. guess i was too much under peer pressure. now i understand why those stupid singapore education about peer pressure is about. sometime, ( like what you said ), its better to be alone. but sometime its hard to be alone too. oh wells.

HCNY! yepps. though im pretty lazy to blog now, i shall talk a little. today is like the chinese new year eve. played badminton, obviously im the lousiest again! haiii. cannot make it ahhhh! hahaha. its like AGAIN and AGAIN. sometime i wonder how come i am like jack of all trades, master of none. pathetic! anyhow dint really celebrate. cause today i went out with albert instead of the normal group that i mix with. i guess its bettter not to be in too much of a group. or else i will be like criticising myself just like the way i criticise stupid cliques in singapore. hahaha! those that i always criticise are now happening to me. study of psychology, ( its a reassurance that it wont happen to you when you criticise the person ). forget which theroy but its something like that. hahaha. called a few people yesterday, glad to hear their voices again.

im tired, this blog though short. but i guess its a general update!

and how come those people who blogged never blogged about me. basket! waste money calling you. must be like joyce " WAHH DARWIN CALLED LEHS! ". like this! haha, chill chill, indostyle man! hahahaha.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

there is only one chance. make it or lose it.

it's been so long ever since i broke something. today as i was putting my bag into the locker, the snapple bottle from my bag ( side pocket ) dropped and hit the floor. it smashed into piece and i threw the big remaining piece away. the bottle landed right on the grill of the hole, which later the liquid just flowed down the hole. i don't know if this a bad omen or what. but i do feel its a bad omen. i don't feel alright, something is going wrong. i feel very upset and depressed now because __________________

. i wish everything would just go alright. why can't it be that way, wouldn't it be better.